Ever since I was a kid, I already knew that I am different. I was not an ordinary normal boy who wants to play gun, ball, and other games usually played by young men. The first time I felt, let me call it a sensual physical heat coz I still don't know about sex that time, was back in Grade 5 when I saw my female classmates dancing Hawaiian in their bras and grass skirts. I remember it felt like I had a fever during the entire dance number. But the very first time I had an attraction with the same sex was in Grade 6, I was 11 years old then and my classmate whom I got a crush on was 12 or 13 years old I think. He looks bigger than his age when it comes to physique and he's a bit handsome. If you're thinking that I pursued the guy I am so sorry to disappoint you coz I did not. I am not out until today, just to a few too close friends only, and I still want to conform with the standard or laws of the bible. Also I was still haphazard during that time coz I was also attracted to my pretty seatmate Liza and I liked the idea of us being together that's why everytime our class paired us to be the class' muse and escort or in any dance program I was so happy. That bewilderment continued until college, I knew I truly fell in love with Liza when we're 16 and also I got a crush on other pretty girls in the campus. But at the same time, I also started to have a crush on the few good looking junior and senior guys in the school to the point that every time I masturbate it's them I was thinking with lust of course. Well, my father actually taught me how to masturbate to get ready for circumcision when I was in grade 5 or 6. Already, I knew how to stimulate my mind sexually coz the first time I saw porn magazines was back in grade 4. My father was a bit unwary of keeping thess things from me.
Liza and I were seniors already in high school when I courted her and told her that I love her, but she said we need to prioritize our studies first then we'll see after. I agreed coz my priority also was to finish school and get a high paying job to be able to help my parents financially. By the way, just to give you a background I am the third child in the brood of five and our family was not wealthy so I felt obliged to help somehow. My mother and I were able to send my younger brother to college. I have an older brother and sister and younger brother and sister. It was also during this time when my father lost his job.
Going back to my sexual issues, it was also around this time, I have an uncle who loved to bring me along with him in his bike almost every early morning. I was in grade 6 then and it continued until when I was in second or third year high school, he gave this special attention to me and he's always making fun out of me and teasing me by touching my legs, my arms, and nipples in a sensual manner. I began to fantasize him and loved seeing him without his shirt on, well he just live across the street and he love to roam around half naked. Around this time also, when I noticed my cousin who lives next to our house. He's cute, very manly, and has a very nice body. So every time he chopped some woods at their backyard, I loved staring at his body full of sweat! Though they have a bathroom outside their house, I always caught him taking a bath at the water post beside their house wearing nothing except his brief! That's why it became a habit to me watching him everytime I had the chance at the hole I made from the bamboo window of my grandmother's house which was situated then at the back of our home, and masturbate while watching him from a distance. Then I had noticed that I get attracted to guys with nice built rather than guys with handsome face. This kind of feeling and fantasizing and self sexual excitation continued until when I graduated from college where I also have a crush on with more mature good looking guys in the school, and then eventually had my first job at 21. After a year of working, I have decided to contact Liza and opened up again my feelings for her coz candidly I still love her and I am very much willing to put aside and totally forget this other personality of mine just to be with her and raise a family with her. Unfortunately, when I told her about my feelings and plan of wooing her again Liza told me that she had a boyfriend already and said sorry. It was so painful and I was very hurt and devastated that I became workaholic and tried to be one of the best on my work. Honestly I am not blaming her but somehow, this heart brokenness triggered me to explore my other personality. I was 25 then, when I decided to have sex with a man. Let me continue this on my next post ok?
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